I went to the doc on Thursday here in Houston and had pictures taken of my trachea. There’s a little pin hole where there should be a big black hole. The images confirmed what I’ve been feeling and hearing in my breathing for some time. My trachea is in need of some intervention to bring relief and so I’ll have a dilation procedure very soon in Boston with the doctor who performed my resection in 2008.
I’m learning the difference between muscling through and standing in grace. My sister and I were talking on the phone and she recalled a moment when Chloe was recently born. She was having a conversation with her Doula, Haripriya telling her all about how cloth diapers just weren’t working and it wasn’t going like she planned and she was so stressed out about it and struggling… Haripriya listened to her story and she looked at her and so sweetly and calmly said “and then we bow.”
So as I was going on about how I don’t want this to be my story. How I don’t want to be this girl who can’t breathe. How I’m completely healthy except for this. How I’ve been eating anti-inflammatory foods, and meditating and and and… and Kayla said… “and now you bow.”
And she’s right. So I’m bowing. Not in defeat, though there have been many moments in the last few days when I’ve felt defeated. Or in sadness, though I feel that too. But in pure humility. In acknowledgement that there are forces much greater than me at work here. I’m allowing the illusion of control to be just that… an illusion. This isn’t working out the way I thought or the way I’d hoped but it’s all working out. And it’s all going to be ok.
I received an email this week from a dear friends sister and she said “You may not be physically breathing but you are running circles around this life! I love you and what you bring to this life!” Her words brought me to easy tears. I feel deeply seen. Held. Grateful. Supported through this. Sharing this story real time is counter to my usual nature. I’d typically withdrawal and go deep underground to take stock, figure it all out and then I’d emerge and keep going. This time is different. I see that somehow this is part of my sacred work and my continued healing and quite possibly part of helping others to heal too.
We’ve been living in our RV for 19 days now and she’s feeling like home. I’m so excited to share our most recent layers with you (and what’s been happening with me + the composting toilet)!
Notice how Ned is in every.single.photo. Front of the bus is his territory. We spend mornings together here. I check out my phone and see what the day holds while he goes back and forth from my lap to the pouf.
After looking and looking for a proper fold out sofa to fit this tiny space we finally decided on a futon. It does fold down flat so we can have an overnight guest (Mema!). We’re still hoping to find a more traditional looking couch but this one is serving us well for now.
Ned has become a bit obsessive about this corner cabinet. Due to it’s location and all the wiring, propane line etc in there we weren’t able to fully gut the old carpeting out so it smells a little stale in there, like old RV. He’s probably attracted to the strong smell. We sit and watch him and make up reasons why he’s paying homage to the corner cabinet.
The kitchen runner arrived. As soon as I rolled it out it felt like it had always been there. My friend, Jamie House picked it out for us! She’s been amazing through this entire project doing everything from hand picking the reclaimed wood pieces for the bedroom to finding accessories like this rug. There’s something so powerful about having other people believe in your dreams as much as you do. Jamie has held this vision for us from the very first moment I told her that we wanted to buy an RV and make it our home.
Cliff + Dad installed the bathroom thresholds. Feels so good that we’re at the finishing stages on many of our renovation projects.
This is what the bathroom looks like right now.
- We still need to have an electrician out to help restore power to all the lights and most of the outlets throughout the RV.
- Mom sewed a skirt for the sink as a temporary fix until we can have the cabinet guy out to build something around the sink. I love it! She attached it with sticky velcro squares and so far they’re holding great.
- The little blue box used to hang in our kitchen in our last house. Planning to paint it the same color as the wall. It’s currently holding hand soap and TP, you know- the essentials!
- We’re thinking we’ll use some of the left over reclaimed wood from our bedroom wall project to make corner shelves near the toilet.
I’ve developed a h e a l t h y respect for our composting toilet. This morning I overflowed the ‘liquid tank’ and quickly transformed the single most satisfying pee of the day into a dirty job. We typically pride ourselves on being a low to no paper towel house hold but let me tell you this morning I was singing praises to Bounty select-a-size and gallon Zip Lock bags. Ned sat at the door and watched as I carefully soaked up the overflow and placed the wet paper towels into a Zip Lock bag. I couldn’t help but laugh. Cliff and I have been making full use of the toilet and smiling pile of poo emojis.
Last week I dumped and cleaned out the main tank (aka poop, paper, coconut coir). It was one of those HOT + HUMID Texas summer nights. The sky was just about to lose light. I was nearing the end of the project and so ready to be done, to shower, to sit with Cliff and unwind. I put my thumb over the water hose to create a stronger spray. As soon as the water hit the tank I knew I’d messed up. Soapy poo water sprayed right in my face. I immediately closed my mouth. It felt like slow motion as brown foamy drips fell from my nose, my chin, from my ear lobes and eye lashes. UGH. The voice inside my head said R E A L L Y! Is this really happening right now? I turned the water hose to rinse my face, finished the job and rounded the RV with the tank in hand, completely soaked. Cliff was trying to get the exhaust fan for the toilet to work again, it was dark now and curse words seemed the best option. So he’s throwing out his best dammit-shit-shit-shit and I’m standing looking at him holding the toilet covered in our shit-shit-shit. He looked up at me and started to give me the download of how poorly his project was going and I interrupted to say in the most pathetic little girl voice possible… “I sprayed our poop all over my face.” His response, “You win!”
I’m loving this bedroom. I’m loving that we took out those side cabinets to make room for our Cal King bed. It’s cozy and comfy and we all have plenty of room. I feel the most at home in this room so far.
This space is technically in the bedroom. I’ve yet to use it as a work desk. So far it’s been the place where everything gets piled. We cut leather straps to make our own drawer pulls. Cliff used brass screws to attach them. We both super appreciate the softness of those straps each time we get out of bed in the middle of the night! I’m working on the bedroom art wall today. Hopefully I’ll finish that and the hallway divider curtain this weekend.
Hope you’re having a beautiful weekend!